Desperation

Seldom have I ever felt a sense of complete desperation. Even when I was 15 and had ridiculous amounts of unprotected sex and was late for my period, I felt less desperation than now. And no, I wasn't\am not a whore. I have a sister with a recently diagnosed chronic disease and an adult history of erratic irresponsible behavior. She is brilliant, beautiful, generous, kind of spirit, globally focused, and totally fucked up. She has held the threat of suicide over my parents head for the better part of 20 years. She is sane enough to pass any psych evaluation administered. She is kind enough to cry over the devastation she has caused our family. She is smart enough to know the free ride is ending and my parents and myself are about to pull the plug. She is selfish enough to expect her family to pay for her life of childlike behavior all the while disguising it in cognitive dysfunction. She is terrified of living a life of adult responsibility. She is an idealist who cannot cope with any ounce of imperfection; she would rather claim mental instability than acknowledge that life is about compromise. She is a person that I love intensely and hate immensely right now. She has brought about a sense of desperation, that I have never experienced, in my life. I am quite frankly terrified for the loss of and also continued existence of my sister. My heart and soul hemorrhage. . .