Enough is enough. At this point in life I do realize that bad things happen, people make stupid choices, and death is inescapable. But, seriously? Is this all necessary? A week ago one of my students committed suicide; it was seriously unexpected, inexplicable and leveling. In all the years I have taught, I have never been in a school when a successful suicide has happened. Yup, kids have died in car crashes and from illness, but not an intentional suicide. It has really fucked me up. I'm educated in mental health, I've been around this age group for years; it doesn't make an ounce of difference. The emotional spectrum associated with suicide is really quite staggering. I have gone from so sad breathing is almost intolerable, to so angry if the kid wasn't already dead I would make him so, to just simply numb and lost. And not to ignore the bleeding of one emotion in to another, I have laughed, to the point of peeing a little, over snippets of statemtents that really arent' that funny. Oh, and did I mention that because of what I teach, all of the students believe that I am a clinical psychologist, thus I have been dealing with getting them through their grief, delivering my lectures, and licking my own wounds with a face of stoic leadership. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted and desperatley in need of summer vacation.
Cut to a few hours ago. I have now been informed that another of my students, one who has been absent for a few weeks, has not really been ill. She has been "ill". The root of her "illness" is the serious attempt at suicide she made the day after the previous student's services. FUCK, are you kidding me!!! She will be returning after a stint in a hospital to get her stabilized and into regular therapy. What is going on in this world? When I was in high school, we just got drunk, stoned, or fucked to express anger/rebellion at the world. How can we as professionals be missing so much of what is happening with these kids?? Why is this planet so afraid of mental illness that it makes teenagers terrified to reach out for help and instead put a noose around their young necks and end any chance for a better life?? What are we doing wrong?? FUCK!!!
I am sickened, saddened, frustrated, and wishing for an end to this academic year. I need time away from it all in a place where there is more sunshine than rain and loads of laughter. FUCK!!!